Moving On
by Abyss Rising
Summary: Kakashi returns from a difficult mission feeling even more depressed than usual. Will he succomb to the same fate as his father or will he finally let go of his past and be happy in the present? Read to find out. Mostly KakaSaku.


**Umm…rated M for language and possible future lemon(s).**

**There are bound to be some grammtical mistakes in anything I ever write. Forgive me. **

**Please review and let me know what you think. **

**Yay KakaSaku.**

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**Stormy Night**

It was a stormy night in Konoha.

Gutters overflowed with rainwater, thunderclaps could be heard for miles, wind-ravaged tree branches littered the streets, lightening flashed periodically, and the electricity was out in most of the city. Any sane person would be indoors, curling up in bed with a loved one, waiting for the storm to pass. But shinobi don't have such luxuries.

Kakashi jumped nimbly across Konoha's rooftops. He was cold, he was tired, and he was holding a dead woman in his arms. He was trying not to think about that. In fact, he was trying his damn hardest not to think at all.

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Tsunade stood at the window of her office, looking out into the night. She felt restless and anxious and guilty. Kakashi should have been back by now. She knew he was one of the most talented ninja in the village and was more than capable of taking care of himself, but she also knew she had sent him on a difficult mission and she was worried.

It was an S-ranked, solo, ANBU operation to take down a rogue ninja from the Hidden Stone country. The request had come from the Tsuchikage himself. She couldn't refuse it if she wanted to maintain the shaky peace between their countries: fire and earth. So she sent Kakashi because he was the best man for the job and because he knew the missing-nin personally. They had…history.

Tsunade sighed and closed her chestnut eyes. That was why she was worried about Kakashi. Not because the mission would be physically challenging, but because it would be mental torture. Despite the façade of indifference and apathy he kept up all the time, she knew Kakashi had a heart like everyone else, complete with soft spots. And this woman, the woman she had sent him off to kill, was one of those spots.

It was times like these that Tsunade really wanted to pour herself a strong drink. But she couldn't. Not now. Not while on duty. Not while he was still out there. She was one of the legendary sanin, the three most powerful ninjas alive. But more importantly, she was fire country's Hokage. She was the Hidden Leaf's leader and protector and she most certainly could not take a drink right now. Especially since her apprentice was sitting on the other side of the room, studying medical scrolls in the dim candle light.

She looked over at the pink-haired beauty and met her emerald eyes. She looked exhausted. She also looked as if she hadn't glanced at a single scroll in a very long time. Of course, she didn't need to. Sakura had long surpassed the roll of apprentice. Her skills were on par (if not better) than Tsunade's, but the women liked each other's company so Tsunade pretended she still had things to teach and Sakura pretended there were still things she needed to learn.

"Sakura, go home," Tsunade ordered softly.

The young woman shook her head. Tsunade frowned and tried again in a firmer tone of voice.

"You're working too hard. Get some rest. I'll need you in the hospital tomorrow."

"Please, Tsunade-sama, I'm not done studying." Tsunade heard the fear in Sakura's voice and sighed, not comforted by the fact that she wasn't the only one worried about Kakashi.

"There's no need to be so worried, Sakura. Your sensei has been on plenty of S-ranked missions before."

"He isn't my sensei," Sakura replied quietly.

"What?" Tsunade asked, a tad sharper than she meant to.

"He isn't my sensei anymore," Sakura mumbled.

Tsunade stared at the girl across the room. It was true. Kakashi wasn't her teacher anymore. He hadn't been since she was twelve years-old and that was a full ten years ago. As far as Tsuande knew, though, Kakashi's former students still called him sensei. She wondered what could have caused such a sudden change and she didn't like the tone of voice in which Sakura announced it: matter-of-fact and defiant. Tsunade didn't know what to say. Neither did Sakura. They were saved from their awkward moment by the door to the Hokage's office being thrown open.

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Kakashi stepped over the threshold slowly. He was clad in ANBU attire: tight black fabric, a silver protective vest, black army boots, metal shin and arms guards, leather gloves, and animalistic mask. A katana was fastened to his back.

"Kakashi!" Tsunade sighed out in relief.

He pushed the mask down below his chin. Sakura noticed that the black piece of fabric he always wore over the bottom half of his face was still in place, much to her disappointment. After all these years, she still had never seen his face. His Konoha headband, however, was gone, exposing both eyes. They mismatched. One was black while the other was a dark blood red. _Sharingan_. Sakura had seen it before, but only in battle. At all other times he kept it covered. She sighed. It was beautiful. And so was he…sopping wet, silver hair hanging heavily around his face, dead girl in his arms.

Wait. What? All of the sudden Sakura realized how horrific the scene in front of her was. The woman in Kakashi's arms had a huge hole in her chest. _Chidori_. He must have used _Chidori_, Sakura realized, cringing as she did. Too many bad memories.

Sakura looked around for blood. But there was none. None fresh anyway. Kakashi must have been carrying the dead woman for a long time. Sakura wanted to vomit and the feeling only increased as she looked up at Kakashi's face. She had never seen him look so…defeated. He usually was such a blank slate, either projecting aloofness or nothing at all. But right now he wasn't hiding anything. He was tired, worn out, and even a little sad and she could see it all. It was such an odd experience. Sakura wouldn't believe Kakashi was capable of such emotion if she weren't witnessing it. She turned away. It was too much. She was glad for his mask. Seeing the pain in his eyes was bad enough.

Kakashi looked at neither woman in the room. He simply stared forward blankly. Tsunade saw the glazed look in his eyes and sighed. This is exactly what she had been afraid of.

"Kakashi?"

"Yes, Hokage-sama?" His voice was hollow and emotionless.

"Are you alright?"

"Hai." He looked down at the dried blood all over him. He figured it must look alarming so he added "It's not my blood."

"That's good. But the state of your body isn't my main concern right now." Kakashi clenched his jaw. He didn't care if they saw.

"I'm fine" he said with finality.

"Then you may go home. Leave the body here. Hand in the mission report at your leisure."

Kakashi nodded and laid the woman in his arms on the floor. He didn't linger on the action. He didn't look at the body. He didn't need to. Every inch of it was etched in his memory. As he straightened, Tsunade spoke again.

"I'm giving you some time off to recuperate from the mission." Kakashi tensed.

"I don't need time off. I'm fine."

"It's not up for discussion, Hatake."

The tension in the room was palpable. Anger rolled off Kakashi in waves, but he remained silent.

"I'm sorry," Tsunade said and truly meant, but was unsure what exactly she was apologizing for. Sending him to kill someone he cared about? His loss? Doubting him? All of the above, she supposed.

Kakashi openly scoffed at her apology. Tsunade turned her back on him and faced the window again, trying to suppress her anger. She knew that he knew she was worried about him. And she knew he resented it. She also knew, despite his denials, that he was hurting and appreciated her compassion as much as he hated it. So instead of lashing out at him she merely whispered "go get some rest."

Kakashi turned on his heels, too tired to use a teleportation jutsu to get home. He'd just have to do it the old fashioned way, despite his aching muscles. As he reached the threshold Tsunade spoke up quietly.

"Kakashi?" He froze.

"Hn?"

"Don't do anything stupid." He was angry. Very angry. His eyes narrowed into slits. He kept his back to the women so they wouldn't see his expression. He didn't like being this open, this vulnerable, this readable, this unable to control his emotions. He tried to keep his voice level.

"Like what?"

When Tsunade didn't answer, Kakashi whispered sharply, "I am not my father, Tsunade" and walked out into the hallway. Tsunade cringed at the informality, unsure if he had meant it to be offensive or comforting.

She sighed and truly hoped he didn't do anything rash. She'd never forgive herself if he did. Deciding it was high time to pour herself that drink, she turned to her apprentice.

"You too, Sakura. Get out of here. Go to bed."

Sakura wasn't sure what just happened between Kakashi and Tsunade, but she felt sick. She stared at the woman on the ground. She was beautiful. Long dark hair, smooth skin, slender athletic body, deep brown eyes that were still wide open in shock. Sakura had hold back the urge to vomit.

Who was this woman? A stone nin, sure, Sakura could see that from the headband she wore. But who was she to Kakashi? Why was he so bothered by this assassination when he'd performed many others during his career? Why did he care so much?

Sakura gathered her things and hurried out the office, mumbling a goodnight parting to Tsunade.

Had he loved that woman? If so, how in the hell had she gotten a man like Kakashi to feel a thing like love? Sakura froze in her tracks as a thought hit her heavily: what kind of a man could do that to a woman he loved?

She was sick outside in the middle of the street as soon as she left the Hokage building because she knew the answer: a shinobi. What he was. What she was was. What the woman on the floor in Tsunade's office was. What they all were. Duty before honor. Duty before love. Duty before life itself. Sakura shuddered. What a sad, sad existence it could be sometimes.

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After her sickness passed, Sakura waited a few minutes before beginning her walk home. Kakashi had headed off in same the direction she was about to and she didn't want to run into him. He didn't look like he wanted to be bothered. Of course, she could just teleport home. It was a nasty night out after all. But she was curious. Where did he live? Was it near her? She'd known the man for ten years and she didn't have the slightest idea where he slept every night. She sighed and began to walk. She could see his figure faintly in the distance.

Kakashi knew she was behind him. Part of him didn't care. He was too tired, too wet, too cold, and too numb to give a damn. He wanted to be alone. But part of him wanted to slow down until she caught up. He wanted her next to him. He wanted to her warmth and comfort.

"Dammit."

He cursed quietly to himself. She had been his student. She was 13 years his junior. She was young, innocent. He refused to develop feelings for her. In the end, they'd both just end up hurt. They were ninjas. Love was foolish in their world. Ninjas didn't marry, have children, and grow old together. Ninjas died. Whether now or later, they died. There was no point in having relationships. Emotions made things complicated. They were a liability that could be used against you in battle.

Kakashi sighed. Despite every good reason he could think of to distance himself from Sakura, just like he distanced himself from everyone, he could feel his feet slowing down. He didn't know when it started, but they had grown close. He didn't know why. They didn't spend a lot of time together. But whenever they bumped into each other, it was comfortable. Maybe because she just accepted his closed off attitude when everyone else pestered him and pried for information. She had become a sort of oasis. Not so much a place he liked being as a place he didn't mind being. Not at all.

He felt her presence next to him, but he didn't turn to look at her. As a favor, she kept her eyes away from him as well. They just walked in the rain, side by side not touching and not speaking.

"Kakashi?" Sakura ventured quietly after a few moments.

"Hn?"

"You have a few nasty wounds. You should have gone to the hospital."

Greeted by silence, Sakura continued.

"Let me heal them. I won't say anything to Tsunade-sama, though I'm sure she noticed as well."

"No."

Sakura was a little surprised.

"But, you're hurt."

"It's nothing I can't take of myself."

"It'll only take a few minutes, Kakashi."

Kakashi stopped walking and faced Sakura. Well, there was no sense beating around the bush with her. She was persistent.

"With your level of skill, there won't be any marks left behind. I want to keep these scars."

Sakura's green eyes widened in shock. So he really did love that brown haired woman! She tried to hide her disappointment.

"I see. Fair enough," she mumbled. They continued walking.

After a moment, Kakashi sighed.

"What is it?" Sakura asked, confused.

"Anko."

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Sakura looked up and saw the jounin in question leaning against the door to a small house a few yards away. She wore her usual getup; a mesh top, a very short skirt, shin guards, and a long trench coat that barely covered the ample breasts that the mesh no doubt left fully visible. Her dark hair was soaked and her black eyes sparkled wickedly. Dark hair, dark eyes…the kind of woman Kakashi liked, thought Sakura miserably. But then again, he hadn't sounded happy to see her. Maybe there was hope, despite the fact that Anko was very popular with the guys.

Kakashi stopped walking in front of Anko.

"And to what do I owe the pleasure of your presence on my doorstep?" Kakashi's words dripped with cold sarcasm, but were still playful. Sakura sighed. He was happy to see her. This was his house. She knew where he lived. She was waiting for him. Maybe they had something going on? Sakura felt like crying.

Anko ignored his question.

"Must've been a tough mission, you look like shit."

Kakashi pushed a few silver strands of hair away from his eyes. Sakura didn't like the look in Anko's eyes. What was it? Lust? What else could it be? Anko was definitely not the love type.

"Anko, I'm not in the mood for games tonight. So what is it? Genma off on a mission? Or maybe fucking someone else? Or is it this?" Kakashi's hand quickly grazed the left side of Anko's neck. Sakura saw a flash of black on Anko's pale skin before the ninja pulled the fabric of her coat back into place. Sakura was shocked to hear Kakashi speak so frankly and touch a woman so openly. He was usually so reserved. Anko seemed a little startled too.

"Really must have been a tough mission," Anko mumbled. She quickly fell back into her usual act though. "Poor Kakashi. Need some company?" she cooed seductively. Sakura didn't like the long pause before Kakashi answered.

"No." He put a hand on Anko's waist – casually, as if it were a familiar action – and moved her away from the door. He performed a series of hand seals and pressed his palms against the door. It opened soundlessly.

Anko shrugged.

"Well, suit yourself." She turned, about to leap into a tree.

"Anko?" Kakashi's voice sounded as though he had no desire to call to the woman, but felt he should.

"What?" she responded hollowly.

"You didn't wait outside my door in this storm for hours to proposition me. What do you really want?"

Anko faced Kakashi. The armor dropped. The wicked glint left her eyes and for a moment she looked…vulnerable – a far cry from the tough-as-nails, aggressive, seductive image Sakura was used to seeing her display. Kakashi didn't seem surprised at the change in demeanor. In fact, it seemed as if he'd been waiting for it.

"Come to the bar tomorrow. It's Genma's birthday."

Kakashi smirked under his mask. So this was about Genma. He had to be the only person in Konoha whose lust rivaled Anko's. Of course, Kakashi knew Anko's notoriously insatiable sexual appetite was only a cover for her pain. She was so much like him. But Kakashi doubted anyone else knew that, let alone Genma. Anko and Genma spent the majority of their nights together when they weren't on duty, but they didn't have anything official. Just an unspoken carnal agreement, which could, as Genma had proven time and time again, be broken at will. He must be dating someone, Kakashi thought wearily. He decided this wasn't the time to talk about it, not with Sakura standing in the road starring at them.

"So…you need some company?" Kakashi teased. Anko crossed her arms and huffed.

"Like hell." Kakashi tapped his left sharingan eye and his smirk deepened.

"Bastard" Anko mumbled and then was gone in a puff of black smoke.

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The smirk fell away from Kakashi's face as soon as Anko disappeared. He hadn't really felt up to dealing with her, but he had tried to throw his cocky aloof façade on just a little bit. He couldn't let her see how weak he was right now. The way he was letting Sakura see him. He frowned, realizing how much he let his guard down around her.

Maybe he should have let Anko in. Maybe she would've made him feel better. She sometimes did. They had their own carnal agreement of sorts, but it was different, more. They had opened up a little to each other. They knew things about each other that no one else knew.

For instance, she had seen his face. It was because she was one of the very few women in Konoha he'd ever slept with. He usually preferred women in other countries. It was troublesome, of course, sleeping with strange women in strange places while he was supposed to be out on missions. There was hardly any time for it. And they could be spies or enemies. That's how he'd met the beautiful Stone nin. He shook away the thought quickly. He didn't want to think about her right now. Maybe not ever.

He supposed he _should _stick to women in his own village. But he just hated the thought of anyone getting clingy with him. He didn't want commitment. He didn't want someone trying to get close to him. He wanted to remain distant, a mystery, fearfully respected. The few women he had slept with, he quickly discarded. And he had kept his mask on.

Except with Anko. But there was nothing to worry about with her. She was like him. It had started when they were still teenagers. She was hurting, he was hurting, and neither ever wanted to feel it again. They understood each other. They didn't want love. They might not even be capable of love. So they gave each other what they could. Escape. Whenever things got too tough for them, they'd just roughly fuck each other's pain away. These times were few and far between. Anko and Kakashi were very good at living with pain. But Kakashi couldn't help but think that tonight may have been one of those times.

And yet, he knew he would have hated himself afterwards. He would have felt like he betrayed the beautiful stone nin. Her blood was still fresh on him and he was thinking of fucking Anko. And then there was Sakura. He couldn't stand the thought of Sakura finding out about him and Anko. He just knew she wouldn't understand. And he cared about what she thought of him because…he cared about her, no matter how much he wanted to pretend he didn't.

Yet he could not, would not, do anything about it. A blood stained, cold, emotionally distant, fucked up old man like himself had nothing to offer a beautiful, young, innocent woman like her and he was not going to cause her any pain. So he'd just stay away. Put up the armor, he told himself. Stop exposing yourself to her. His face went blank.

Sakura was angry. Anko had completely ignored Sakura. As if she weren't there, as if her threat potential was nil. Sakura had walked him home, dammit. She was the one by his side, the one he brought to his house willingly. If anyone was getting inside, it should be her. But the thought hadn't even crossed Anko's mind.

But worse than that, Kakashi had ignored her. He played along with Anko, flirting and touching her, as if the thought that Sakura might be jealous never occurred to him. And if it hadn't, then Sakura had no chance. He didn't feel for her the way she felt for him. He didn't consider her a romantic possibility. Sakura sighed, about to mumble a goodnight to Kakashi when she noticed he was leaning against his doorframe starring at her intensely.

"What?" She spat, much angrier than she meant to.

Kakashi didn't look surprised. He didn't look anything. He was blank, as usual. She guessed that meant he was feeling better. All thanks to Anko. No thanks to her.

"Would you like to come in? I _could _use some company." Kakashi cursed himself. What the fuck was wrong with him? Didn't he just tell himself to stay away? Not to make any moves? To just leave her alone? Then why the hell couldn't he do it?

Sakura's eyes widened in surprise. Was he serious? She couldn't tell. His voice was flat. It betrayed nothing. Was he asking what she thought? Was he really asking her into his place after turning down Anko? Did he want her? Would she just be some physical pleasure after a long day? Would he push her away in the morning? Was it something more than that? Did she really want to find out?

Kakashi saw her fear and was disappointed. He would never use her. He would never take advantage of her. But she didn't know that. How could she really? He made it a point to hide his emotions. His fault really. Besides, asking her in had been stupid. He was supposed to be keeping his distance. He just hadn't wanted her to think Anko meant more to him than she did. She should, but she didn't. He didn't know why. But he had to accept it. Anything else was just denial and he knew it. He supposed the point had been made.

"You're uncomfortable. I apologize. Stupid question really. Who would want to spend time with an old man like me?" He smiled playfully. She could tell by the way his eyes crinkled. He was faking, she could tell that too. He was disappointed. He was disappointed? Then he really did want her?

"Kakashi – " Sakura started but he held up a gloved hand to stop her.

"It's bee a long night. You should get home." She nodded slowly and started walking away. She didn't get very far before Kakashi called out to her.

"Sakura?" She stopped but didn't turn. Kakashi's voice was serious.

"Thanks for walking me home."

Sakura didn't know what to think let alone what to say so she kept walking. Finishing her sentence to herself, she mumbled "you aren't old."

She didn't think Kakashi heard. He had. He smiled, momentarily forgetting that he wasn't supposed to care what she thought of him.


End file.
